The Rum Raisin Compromise

com‧pro‧mise  /ˈkɒmprəˌmaɪz/
- a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
- something intermediate between different things: The split-level is a compromise between a ranch house and a multistoried house.
- an endangering, esp. of reputation; exposure to danger, suspicion, etc.: a compromise of one’s integrity.
- to make a dishonorable or shameful concession: He is too honorable to compromise with his principles .

Everything in life is a compromise. So it is in love as well, and sometimes even in sex. The tricky part is knowing which compromises are healthy, and which are risky. Which compromises will strengthen the relationship, and which will, over time, erode its foundation. Some compromises come back to haunt you when it’s too late to change the outcome. A compromise can even change who you are. Now you’re thinking, “what the hell is she talking about?”

I’ll give you an example. One compromise I made, for the sake of a relationship, was to agree not to have children. At the time, it seemed like a perfectly reasonable sacrifice for love. Predictably, the relationship was never the same after I gave up that piece of myself. Unfortunately, I’ve reached the age where my hormones are starting to bitch-slap me on a daily basis, and I’m reminded that it may well be too late for a do-over.

We’ve all made compromises in sex, too. Who hasn’t had sex with someone or performed an act that they were less-than-enthusiastic about? What about giving up a certain pleasure you enjoy because your partner dislikes it? I think it’s important to at least try to reach some middle-ground…but at what point does the compromise become too much of a sacrifice?

Some things are obvious; anything painfully uncomfortable or dangerous is a no-brainer. But what if it just makes one of you feel ooky? What if it means that one partner is left dissatisfied - I mean on a regular basis, not just once in a while? What if it means never being able to experience something you fantasize about?

My husband did not understand why I couldn’t live the rest of my life without the taste of a woman passing my lips. I came up with a very lactose-intolerant way of explaining my feelings about my fantasies. I told him it was like someone telling me that, for the rest of my days, I could have all of the 31-flavors of ice cream except Rum Raisin. Now, to be clear, I have never tasted rum raisin ice cream. I don’t have any idea whether or not I would even enjoy it. But, were I to be expressly denied rum raisin, I would begin to panic. Omigod, what if rum raisin were the best flavor on the planet, and I can’t even have a taste? Ever? How dare you deny me the exquisite delight that is rum raisin? If I don’t get me some rum raisin right now, I’m gonna explode!

My new love wants me to make compromises, too. I don’t know whether the compromise would cause a resentment to build up that would jeopardize the relationship at some point in the future. Talking online with people is so much a part of my identity, it might feel suffocating to give it up. On the other hand, it’s not an unreasonable request from a man to his future wife - even though it’s how he met me in the first place. He says it’s not a dealbreaker…but it’s obviously of concern to him. I’m getting too old for regrets. Too old to regret giving up such a passionate and pure love, and also too old to regret giving up a piece of myself. So here’s where I need your help. Seriously, what do I do?

10 Responses to “The Rum Raisin Compromise”

  1. Nick! Says:

    Heh, tough one…
    I’d say that it really depends on whether you’re still getting what you got from the online experience, even with the new love… If you are, then it wasn’t just an escape (which I’m sure you considered it might be at least once…), it’s a massive part of who you are, and I couldn’t recommend quitting it.
    It’s a slippery slope, because, well, if this guy was telling you he loved you as a complete package, isn’t there the risk that you’ll become someone else for him to his new specifications, and then he won’t love you the same way any more?
    Or looking at it another way, if he said he loved you as a complete package, but he has new specifications, did he really even know what he was talking about in the first place?
    It’s complicated. My new girl is an incredible flirt and is comfortable and free talking about guys and gals she fancies, even though she is fiercely loyal and would never do anything about any of them. I trust her completely, and I fell in love with her very quickly and totally, and so, even if I feel the odd stab of annoyance or jealousy if she shows an interest in someone else, it doesn’t count as an actual negative… because ultimately it’s me she chooses to be with, and that’s pretty fucking awesome, and turns the potential negative into a positive…
    I’ve talked myself into an opinion… If the online persona is still part of who you are, don’t quit it. Because there’s nothing less attractive then someone who wishes they could still be doing something else…
    Funny how we both covered similar subjects while branching off from completely different  starting points on the same day:

  2. Shay Says:

    Wouldn’t a real comprise mean that you merely reduce your time spent on the internet? Or perhaps give up some sites or chat buddies that might be of concern ?I agree that you shouldn’t have to give up an important part of yourself, but I can understand him not wanting to fully share (or lose) you to the world inside your computer.

  3. Pog Says:

    I think your best course of action would be to talk it through with him. I am sure he is a reasonable chap. I don’t think he would like to read about your serious doubts here when perhaps he may have thought that a compromise had been made.
    My understanding is that he is uncomfortable with you being intimate either physically or in a cyber way, with others as it hurts him and makes him wonder why it is necessary if you are so in love.
    That said, he has agreed that he will support you in your wish to be physically intimate with another woman as he understands how important this is to you and was aware of this issue from the offset. He doesn’t mind you chatting online, he just doesn’t want you masturbating with others or having talks of an explicitlysexual nature which involve you telling others what you would like to do to them sexually.  Is this unreasonable? Is this not compromise?
    I would have thought that this was a very small price to pay for someone who cares for you and loves you with such a passion.

  4. KingMob Says:

    Its a tough one, but whats his compromise in this?  Is it a one sided thing or is he giving something up too?  If you give up something you love and enjoy doing, it could well lead to resentment towards him if you start to miss the thing he has asked you to stop.  How secure is he about himself and you as a couple?  He could just be worried you meet someone else online, as this was the place that you met him.

  5. vanessa Says:

    Well, I believe we have reached an actual compromise.  I don’t need to give up my online activities, but he would like to be present (and possibly even actively participate) while I’m "doin’ ma thang" with other men.  I don’t have a problem with that.  Hopefully the guys I speak with won’t either.  Any thoughts?

  6. Juno Henry Says:

    That’s the way to go, V. That’s definitely the way. I would have commented that, had you not beaten me to it.Ah, voyeurism. So many uses!Best of luck with it, Vanessa…Warmest –Juno x

  7. Desireous Says:

    What is he asking exactly? That you give up talking to people or you give up flirting with people? It seems ridiculous to say you can never talk to anyone online. He must have had something specific in mind?


  8. vanessa Says:

    Well, Des, if you listen to my podcasts you can get an idea of what I do when I “talk” online. I like phone sex. Lots and lots of phone sex. I am multi-orgasmic and enjoy talking to men and women while I masturbate. That’s actually how I met my new sweetie, and he knew what I did when he met me.

    We have come to some compromises since I wrote this post (at which time he wanted me to not have any more phone sex with anyone.) That has changed, and we have enjoyed lots of online play together since then.


  9. becky34639 Says:

    I have to ask: did you ever try rum raisin ice cream?

    And, it isn’t too late to have kids; it is expensive, but you can bitch slap your horomones back into line.


  10. vanessa Says:


    Would you believe I can’t even find Rum Raisin ice cream anywhere? I’ve been looking ever since I wrote this post!


About Vanessa...

Vanessa is a genus of butterflies. Common names are American Lady (Vanessa virginiensis), West Coast Lady (Vanessa annabella) and Painted Lady (Vanessa cardui).

I'm Vanessa. I'm always a Lady. Talk to me....

...and then YOU said...

  • tom paine: Nifty old erotica!! Thanks for sharing them.
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