Fear and Loathing: My experience with male entitlement and sexual harassment

WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERING MATERIAL

An upcoming post by my good friend Epiphora made me start thinking about my own personal past experiences with male entitlement.  Before reading her post I never thought I had run into any harassment from men and was quite thankful for it, but after reading, I realized that I had been repressing certain past events or even erasing whole parts of them to paint a prettier picture.  Therefore, I decided that I needed to speak out about these acts, for myself and for other women who have experienced the same.

Event #1: Asshole Concert-Going Guy

I was at a show in 2004 (I was 15 at the time) at about this time of year with a small group of friends.  We got let in early because one of my friends had dated the security guy.  It was a relatively small venue as it held only 400 people at maximum capacity, so we pressed ourselves against the stage waiting for the waves of people that would eventually crush us.  Somehow I end up in front of a guy who seemed nice – not overly good looking, but he was “normal” looking and was with a couple of friends.  However, I soon realized he was drunk.  This guy wasn’t just your average fumbling drunk though, he definitely had a routine that he had practiced before.

As the show started the crowd pushed forward, so in what I at first thought was a good gesture he stood behind me, planting on hand on the stage as to prevent people from completely crushing me making it difficult to breath (which I soon found out was something I much preferred to this asshole).  After a few minutes he wrapped the other free arm (the left, yes, I still remember) around my waist.  I thought, “Okay, whatever, just to keep me from falling over.”  Soon I heard him laughing and mumbling something to his friend, which I later found out was a bet to get me to have sex with him by the end of the night.  The next 45 minutes to an hour were filled with this guy not-so-subtlety trying to get his hands up my shirt and down my pants.  I’m not sure what he thought this would accomplish considering we were in a room full of 400 people.

Luckily, I eventually got the attention of my friend Christie and she came over and pulled me out of there.

While it was going on I was scared shitless.  This was my first encounter with harassment, and to be honest I didn’t even know how big a deal it was until recently thinking about it and writing this.  I was a victim.  Just because he never got to rape me (as I’m sure he would have) doesn’t mean that I was any less objectified and abused.  I now realize this and am better for it.

Event #2: Mr. “All women should bow to me”

While this case is nowhere near the first one I have presented here I think it is still relevant to the post.  I went to Mexico for two months in 2006 on a study abroad program.  It was absolutely fabulous, but what wasn’t fabulous was a certain guy’s sense of entitlement and his idea that all American women are “sluts.”

He was a good friend of my host brother who I had met a couple of times, and oddly enough I have no hard feelings against him even though I should.  José Pablo was probably not a bad guy, but through an injection of machismo they must be giving every Mexican boy at birth, he thought he was the gift to women that we all needed.  One day when my host parents weren’t home my host brother brought him over and we chatted for a while, but something was odd – You know those smiles guys have on their face when they are scanning you up and down like a piece of meat?  Yeah, he had one.  But I was so used to the construction workers yelling obscene things in bad English to me on the streets that I ignored it.

Little did I know that my host brother had been “commissioned” to play matchmaker.  Matchmaker not so much – it seemed like he was more my pimp than anything else.  Against the rules of my program I got in the car with them and drove around.  The time I started to get nervous was when I noticed we were going up into the mountains which are very sparsely populated with absolutely nothing in them – why were they taking me there?

We got out of the car, José Pablo tried to get me to smoke, I said no thanks and he automatically called me “fresa,” which in a nutshell is high-class, stuck-up, not giving up anything to just any guy.  Yeah, we were already off to a bad start.  After that he pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me.  I honestly wasn’t too into it, but figured it would be easier to go along with it than tell him no – besides, it was only kissing, right?

Well, soon my host brother got tossed the keys to the guy’s car and was told he could drive away for a while.  Keep in mind that none of this was done with me in the conversation – I was standing right there, but they acted like I was some kind of property.  Soon, I got scared.  I was alone in this isolated place, up against a wall with a guy I barely knew who obviously wanted more than I did.  Thankfully, he didn’t do any more than kiss me, for the moment.  We went back home and I got ready to go out with friends.

Later that night I was out with my friends for dinner and he came by and dropped me a phone without saying anything.  The first thought in my head, “Oh fuck.  Not this shit.”  He then called me and asked me to come outside – I found him there on the sidewalk with my host brother asking me to get in the car.  This time I tried to stand up for myself and say that I didn’t want to go with him.  I went back inside and finished out the night.  When I was done I went over to my host grandmother’s house waiting for my mom to come pick me up, but the thing is, my host brother had called my mom and said to pick me up at José Pablo’s house an hour later.

He ended up getting me on the couch and repeated trying to get my underwear off (I was wearing a skirt) even though I was plainly saying no.  He then couldn’t believe that I didn’t at least want to give him a blowjob.  A few minutes later my mom showed up to get me, I’d never been more relieved to see her.

In conclusion

I’m fortunate enough to currently be in a stable, loving relationship with a guy who sees me as more than just a piece of meat.  I’m also fortunate that the worst didn’t happen in those situations and that I wasn’t raped.  But the fear I felt was defintely real.

If you’ve ever had anything similar happen to you, please speak up and write about it.  This happens more than we care to believe and until women start voicing what has happened, it won’t stop.

Fantasy = Rape? I don’t think so.

I realize by the time I write this it will have probably already been discussed to great length in the blogosphere, but I want to give my opinion.  For those of you that haven’t heard, a judge in Manchester, England dismissed charges of rape after the woman who claimed to be raped was found to have a group sex fantasy.  You can read the full story here.  According to BBC News,
 The 24-year-old from Liverpool claimed she was raped after visiting one of the men at his home in Bolton, after making contact on the internet.  But the trial at Preston Crown Court collapsed when computer evidence was produced showing her entertaining the prospect of group sex.  Judge Robert Brown ordered the jury to return not guilty verdicts.
So because this woman fantasized about group sex she is automatically not a victim of rape?  How is this logical to anyone, including an experienced judge who should be well aware that sex with multiple partners is not the same thing as rape.  This is another classic example of society associating “inapppropriate” behavior with rape.  Because the woman is not only choosing to have sex outside of a marriage, which alone makes her “unpure,” but also is choosing to have sex with multiple partners, she must not be capable of being raped.  Obviously any sexual encounter she has was invited because of her “promiscuous” ways.
Does that look as ridiculous to you as it does to me?  I hope so.  I don’t have much more to say on this subject, but I did want to call it to everyone’s attention.  If you want to read more about the perspective I provided above and the numerous ways it is hurting young women, read The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti.

Sex While Sick = Interesting Results

So Im on Day 5 of a really annoying cold. Its not one of those colds that gives me that sexy husky voice. Its the kind that makes me sound like Im wearing a snorkel. Finally, though, I’m just well enough to feel REALLY horny.

Anyway, hubby has been only marginally successful at fending off the same crud, so we’ve been leaving each other alone to rest and heal while secretly wanting to exchange germs from every orifice.

We finally admitted this to each other tonight and almost punted the cat up the stairs in our frantic scramble to the bedroom.

Problem: while I do feel quite a bit better, I still cant breathe from my nose. Heaving ones bosom and panting can be quite sexy, but my panting tonight seemed more like a death rattle. Fortunately, the husband did most of the heavy lifting for this particular play date. Even so, I think I might have dipped one pedicured toe into the murky waters of breath play.

Speaking of waters, Ive been known to be an occasional squirter. Well, its more like a gush, actually. The thing is, its never happened while Ive been WITH someone, only when Ive been alone, or doing my phone sessions, so its become the stuff of urban legend. I don’t really know if its a temporary phenomenon because of The Cold, but lets just say were currently looking into a set of rubber sheets. And were sleeping on the guest bed. And I now, finally, have a witness.

Sugasm #95

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #96? Use the contact form.

This Week’s Picks
Cuffed
“She could see that he had something concealed in his other hand, but couldn’t quite tell whether it would be an instrument of torture or pleasure.”

Lunch Hour
“He’s very good, but I notice the almost imperceptible start as he notices what’s going on.”

About size
“But if we’re going to start talking about penis size, then it is only fair to talk about vagina size.”

Sex News & Reviews
Best vibrator

BDSM & Fetish
Sex and Money

Sex Humor
Mystery Sex Toys

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Ace and Idiot
Brothers friend..what a night to remember.
Drenched
Finger Fucking Friday
Grey
Holding Pattern
MFF
No reservations, part 3
Welcome back….

Sex Work
Do I Kiss & Tell? (Or, Why Sex Pros Make Better Bloggers)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
The Brick Wall Statement
More On “Hiding in Plain Sight”
The Scientific Desires

 

Toy Review: Natural Contours Liberte Vibrator

I was sent the Natural Contours Liberte Vibrator from BetterSex.com to review. I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, after all, it was free.

If I were using this as a dildo, I would give it a great review. In fact, I might just try it as a it makes an excellent G-spot stimulator. Its very smooth and comfortable to hold in the hand. As a clitoral stimulator, however, it is sorely lacking.

First, it doesn’t have nearly enough power to get me off, since it only runs on 2 AA batteries (included). You guys know Im a plug-in girl, but some battery-operated vibes have been known to pleasure me – I always give them the benefit of the doubt until they let me down. Lady Liberte didn’t really let me down – she let my clit down.

The controls are fiddly, too. Basically, it has just a single toggle button. The button runs through the speeds in the wrong direction. The first speed is the highest speed. If you want to change speeds, you must go through all the speeds, High>Med>Low>High Pulse>Off (!?) – to select which you want. I would prefer the speed to increase with the push of a button, not decrease, and I would REALLY prefer to be able to adjust it up or down without turning it off, for chrissakes. Talk about a mood killer!

I haven’t tried any other products in this line. I would go with a product in the same line provided it had more power and a better designed control.

The Politics Of Swinging

Things got very interesting over the last month. I blame it on the retrograde Mercury, but Mr. Vanessa doesnt believe in my astrology.

See, Mr. Vanessa was encouraging me to fulfill my fantasies sooner, rather than later. More than encouraging. Actively arranging. Pushing, even.

I was titillated, yes. Excited, definitely. That led down a very slippery slope that eventually resulted in us accepting an invitation to this weekends private monthly couples party in our little neck of the woods.

Long story short, lingerie was purchased. Condoms were ordered. Shoes (sexy, high-heeled shoes) were found. Toys were considered. Ground rules were discussed. Boundaries were stretched.

Then things came to a screeching halt. In the space of about 15 minutes things went from open marriage to do it and we divorce.

We opened Pandoras box and I peeked inside and liked what I saw. Very! Much! But my fingers were still on the edge of the box when the lid was unexpectedly slammed shut. Hard. And locked.

Yes, Im still reeling. Confused. Disappointed. Hurt.

I dont blame him. I dont blame me. I blame the Mercury retrograde.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled marital programming after a few words from our sponsors.

And sincere public apologies to A., a dear friend who didnt deserve to be led down that road, enticed, seduced, excited, liaison arranged-and-scuttled all in the same 15 minutes because of our folly. Im sorry. Thank you for being a good sport about it all.

Vegans Say Sex With Carnivores Stinks?

I wonder how much of New Zealand’s public money went into this study.

Vegans say sex with meat-eaters stinks

NEW YORK, Aug. 2 (UPI) Strict vegetarians known as vegans find sex with meat-eaters repulsive, or as one New York vegan described it, pungent and stinky.
New Zealand researcher Annie Potts, of the University of Canterbury’s Center for Human-Animal Studies, interviewed 157 vegans, 120 of whom were female, on their sexual preferences.
In an interview with ABC News in New York, Potts said all of the female vegans didn’t want to engage in intimate sex because of the smells and tastes of their body fluids. Full Story

Well, dear readers, Mr. Vanessa enjoys a vegan diet, while Vanessa chooses to be an omnivore. Mr. Vanessa says he hates when vegans make comments like this because it ruins it for the rest of us and makes all vegans look like elitist assholes.

And Mr. Vanessa has, to date, registered no complaints about the taste of Vanessa’s love honey.

This whole argument, however, makes one wonder whether vegans should be consuming any human bodily fluid in the first place though you wont hear me complaining.

Toy Review: The Eroscillator

Friends, lovers, playmates; in honor of May being Masturbation Month, I give you The Eroscillator.

**trumpet fanfare**

Let me start off by saying that its taken me six months to write this review. That’s not because I haven’t wanted to. Its because Ive been doing um extensive research. In the name of journalistic integrity, of course. In fact, the Eroscillator has been the most rigorously tested of any toy Ive reviewed.

Dr. Ruth has never endorsed another sensual aid, but she is the Eroscillator celebrity endorse-person. That got my attention. I had to try it. So, the Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo was my Xmas prezzie.

Admittedly, when I saw this puppy my first thought was, dayyumm, that’s one expensive vibrator! Are the reviews true? Could it really be worth it?

Oh yes. Every freakin penny. Read on.

First of all, the Eroscillator is NOT a vibrator. A vibrator vibrates. A vibrator feels nice for a while, but eventually makes my clit numb. When my clit is numb, well, I’m done for the night. I might not want to be done but, Goodnight, Irene. I. Am. Finished.

Smart Oscillating Engine. The Eroscillator uses sophisticated Swiss engineering to oscillate back and forth inside the housing for powerful but gentle stimulation. It doesn’t vibrate. It doesn’t make my clit numb. That’s a big deal. Huge. Limitless-Orgasms-Huge. And, the head moves inside the housing, so the housing stays put. I’m stimulating my punani, not my hand.

Multiple Power Settings. One critical distinction is that the speeds don’t increase the frequency of the movement they increase the intensity. That means every speed is enjoyable. I cant say that about something like the Hitachi Magic Wand. (Actually, the HMW is just a half-step down from a belt sander. Not clit-friendly.) The Eroscillators three speeds are powered by a 14v motor (step-down converted so its safer for you) and 12-feet of cord. Yes, you read that right. 12 feet. It will reach to the chandeliers. Hell, I can plug this baby in and take it halfway to Marks & Spencer. What I’m trying to say is that the cord doesn’t get in the way when were gettin our freak on.

Whisper Quiet. Yeah, it really is. We were pleasantly surprised. No distracting lawnmower buzzing during the intimate moments. My apologies if you have a lawnmower fetish.

Watertight. Can be washed under running water so you’re ready to go for next time. I wouldn’t take it in the bath, though. (That’s why God created the WaterPik Shower Massage.)

So, on to my experience. Right out of the box, I had one of the fastest, most intense orgasms of my life. It took about 90 seconds, tops. My lips (on my face) were literally quivering. This was a whole different level of orgasm. Like a higher plane of consciousness. Incredible. Then I just kept on going er coming. Actually, I didn’t know whether I was coming OR going. One after another after another. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to stop until I was spent. When it was over, I was but a whimper on a tangled heap of soaked sheets.

The next day, I threw my other vibrators out.

The Eroscillator comes in your choice of two versions and five packages. The Eroscillator 2 Plus packages come with some basic head attachments and a standard power appliance. The Top Deluxe model has extra power, for women like me who need a little boost, and more attachments. All attachments are available separately too. I was lucky enough to get the Ultimate Combo. Yep, I got the whole enchilada for my pink taco. Holy guacamole!!

My favorite attachment? The Ultra Soft Finger Tip (pictured below). Its a medical grade silicone elastomer just the right amount of squishiness to give a really lovely clit licking.

This is one toy that gets my unequivocal yes. Yes. GOD, YES!

If you own a clitoris, you simply must treat yourself. I cant stress this enough. If your partner has one, surprise her and make her decade. You wont regret it.

Oh, you can support this site by ordering it through my affiliate link below and Amazon will gimme some candy!

I’m hearing rumors about their companion product for men, the Ooh-la-la! Prostate Massager with the PowerPenis Bell. The Husband is interested in reviewing one, but I don’t know that the company is quite that generous.

I’m off to do some more research. If you play your cards right, youll get a taste before Masturbation Month is overstay tuned for a surprise or two.

And here’s to it always being May in your pants.

Back Trouble = Sex Trouble

So, where the hell have I been? My sweetie decided to get himself a herniated disc and the resulting sciatica. Net result is lots of caregiving, little blogging, and even less sex.

And so it goesenjoy the Sugasms while we both recover.

P.S. I need an Eroscillator, STAT!!