How to Tell If You’re Insecure In Your Relationship (And What to Do About It)
Can you name one person who doesn’t have some insecurities? I can’t. Even the most confident people are insecure about something. And, sometimes this makes them act in cringe-worthy ways. I’m certainly guilty of this. Recently, I felt insecure about meeting my son’s girlfriend for the first time, hoping to make a good impression. This made me ramble and ramble. Ugh.
Perhaps more troubling is when someone’s feelings of insecurity in their relationship makes them rather awful to the one they love. For example, a recent study found that people with more attractive partners often feel more insecure. This makes them more likely to put their partner down in front of others to make them seem less attractive.
Susan Valentine, a Toronto relationship therapist, says: “Most of the time our bad behaviour in a relationship is because of insecurity.”
Insecurities stem from our childhoods
Valentine says that while most of us don’t want to intentionally hurt our partners, we act out when we feel vulnerable or insecure. And, the way in which we deal with our insecurity often stems from the quality of our earliest attachments with our primary caregiver. Valentine says that there is a lot of evidence to suggest that how secure we felt as a child influences how secure we feel as an adult.
Attachment theory has become very popular in therapeutic circles. One style of attachment is “insecure avoidance” where the primary caregiver was mostly absent or neglectful. Someone having grown up with this type of caregiver would be accustomed to having their needs ignored. Not surprisingly, when entering into a romantic relationship as an adult, they may have a tendency to “flee” a situation. This means they will shut down, withdraw, stonewall, or push their partner away when their insecurities are triggered.