I had never experienced actual intimacy before now. The kind that makes you feel as though your souls are embracing.
OK, it sounds soppy and starry-eyed. But for someone with a history of boundary and trust issues, letting go to experience true intimacy is damn near earth-shattering.
I had no idea what that was. Sure, Ive had intimate relations with my share of menbut its always been sex. Ive not made this admission publicly before, but I would always detach having almost an out-of-body experience during sex. Like what I imagine a prostitute or porn actress does. Even with a (former) husband of almost 2 decades.
Yeah, it was probably some kind of protective mechanism. If Im not mentally/emotionally present, then Im not letting anyone get close, right? Its just sex. It might even be good sex. Hell, some of it was downright nasty, wild monkey-sex. But its still just sex. And it always left me feeling hollow. Unfulfilled.
Obviously it didnt happen all at once. And I dont think it could have happened with anyone else, ever. We just made this spiritual connection early in our relationship and took it to depths we never imagined possible. It required a commitment to absolute honesty, soul-baring confessions of past sins, tears, forgiveness, comfort, passion and a big heaping helping of love.
Our sex life has changed dramatically. It was always great. Now its transcendent. Truly amazing. Almost tantric. Im always present. And its better than I could have ever imagined.