Rum Raisin Update

I have tried the Rum Raisin.

Not the metaphorical Rum Raisin, but the actual ice cream.  It wasnt bad.  Tasted pretty much like I expected – the fake rum-extract flavor you find in rum balls and chocolates.  Would have been better without raisins.  Maybe walnuts would be good.

Eh, I could take it or leave it.

I sure hope thats not how I feel after my first taste of pussy.

The Politics Of Swinging

Things got very interesting over the last month. I blame it on the retrograde Mercury, but Mr. Vanessa doesnt believe in my astrology.

See, Mr. Vanessa was encouraging me to fulfill my fantasies sooner, rather than later. More than encouraging. Actively arranging. Pushing, even.

I was titillated, yes. Excited, definitely. That led down a very slippery slope that eventually resulted in us accepting an invitation to this weekends private monthly couples party in our little neck of the woods.

Long story short, lingerie was purchased. Condoms were ordered. Shoes (sexy, high-heeled shoes) were found. Toys were considered. Ground rules were discussed. Boundaries were stretched.

Then things came to a screeching halt. In the space of about 15 minutes things went from open marriage to do it and we divorce.

We opened Pandoras box and I peeked inside and liked what I saw. Very! Much! But my fingers were still on the edge of the box when the lid was unexpectedly slammed shut. Hard. And locked.

Yes, Im still reeling. Confused. Disappointed. Hurt.

I dont blame him. I dont blame me. I blame the Mercury retrograde.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled marital programming after a few words from our sponsors.

And sincere public apologies to A., a dear friend who didnt deserve to be led down that road, enticed, seduced, excited, liaison arranged-and-scuttled all in the same 15 minutes because of our folly. Im sorry. Thank you for being a good sport about it all.

The Perverts Saloon

Suzanne Portnoy (I told you about her book, The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker) is hosting the 1st London Perverts Saloon Tea Party next weekend. Suzanne was kind enough to invite me and I’m looking forward to meeting my fellow sex bloggers and perverts-in-arms.

So far, though, everyone who has RSVPd is female. Strange, I would have thought that men would be more inclined than women to show up to a sex-themed party, but I guess I have much to learn about the world of sex writers/entertainers/workers.

I had promised Suzanne I would read an excerpt from her book as part of a podcast but she is much less of a procrastinator than I am and has since recorded her own narration, available on Audible. She does a fine job. Of course, shes no Vanessa (hehe) but she has her own style.

Of course I’m going to tell you all about the party when I return. Hmmm I wonder what a bunch of oversexed women will do on a Sunday afternoon? I’m sure well think of something

The Sensual Vegan

Speaking of Vegan sexuality, Janes Guide just listed TheSensualVegan.com. Based in Seattle, they stock a decent array of vegan toys, condoms/dams, lubes, etc. (I can vouch for the pjur Eros line of lube, BTW).

The Sensual Vegan also donates 5% of all sales to Scarleteen, a sex-positive sex education resource site aimed at young people.

They aren’t paying me to mention them, and I think its worth a look-see!

America Will Never Be The Same

The latest copy of W magazine has some of the most unbelievably sexy shots of David and Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh and Becks, to herald their move to Los Angeles.

I never gave D.B. a second glance before. But this shows just what a great photographer and many hours of Photoshop can do:

I’m pretty sure the LA Galaxy soccer team is behind a lot of the publicity. After all, they need to justify their investment. Plus, they need to make 99% of America aware that there is this sport in other countries where they kick around a little ball and aren’t allowed to use their hands.

Now, these shots just might make me want to care about American soccer. And make me want Becks to use his hands. A LOT.

In fact, I doubt Ill be the only person watching with one hand on the remote control and the other on my dildo.

Yum. Does it get any sexier than this?

Oh hell yeah.

 

The most amazing shots are in what appears to be a very intimate boudoir setting.

 

Ooooohhhhhhhhh. **shudder**

Dya think the rest of the Galaxy are gonna be giving him some serious ribbing over the pretty-boy shots? He can bet his tighty-whities on it.

I have no idea whether David Beckham can save American Football Soccer. I am pretty sure, however, that Beckham is totally unprepared for America. And America is unprepared for him. This should be fun to watch.

And I cant wait to get my copy of W.

All Day Love

We made love all day yesterday.

My first waking moments; your gentle fingers stroking my shoulders, my cheeks, down my back, the curves of my hips, the swell of my ass. Your warm, moist breath on my neck.

Good Morning.

The days routine was punctuated with passing strokes, stolen snuggles, tender kisses. A grazed breast, lightly, surreptitiously, in the market. Even mundane chores were electric with promise. You grew firm just by gazing in my eyes. Not yet.

I couldn’t wait much past lunch. I called to you. Yearning. You came to me. Eager.

Deft fingers brought me to my first peak. You didn’t realize then what a feat that was – many have tried, few have succeeded. Kudos. And, thank you.

We merged, finally. Embracing tightly, as though it would be our last. Limbs intertwined. Undulating, together, on a sea of tangled sheets.Crescendo.

As always, you cleansed me after. Diligently. Reverently. Nobody else has ever done that. Too sexy for words.

Dinner and a Rom-Com in each others arms on the sofa. Giggles. Tears. Sweet whispers. Then to bed.

Holding, caressing. Soft kisses. Tender words. Supposed to be getting sleepy.Not quite.

Once more. You were harder, bigger; impressive, considering the intensity of our earlier exchange. I had more to release as well. Not often the case, that many in one day. No less intense the second time. Bliss.

My last waking moments; your gentle fingers stroking my shoulders, my cheeks, down my back, the curves of my hips, the swell of my ass. Your warm, moist breath on my neck.

Good night.

Vegans Say Sex With Carnivores Stinks?

I wonder how much of New Zealand’s public money went into this study.

Vegans say sex with meat-eaters stinks

NEW YORK, Aug. 2 (UPI) Strict vegetarians known as vegans find sex with meat-eaters repulsive, or as one New York vegan described it, pungent and stinky.
New Zealand researcher Annie Potts, of the University of Canterbury’s Center for Human-Animal Studies, interviewed 157 vegans, 120 of whom were female, on their sexual preferences.
In an interview with ABC News in New York, Potts said all of the female vegans didn’t want to engage in intimate sex because of the smells and tastes of their body fluids. Full Story

Well, dear readers, Mr. Vanessa enjoys a vegan diet, while Vanessa chooses to be an omnivore. Mr. Vanessa says he hates when vegans make comments like this because it ruins it for the rest of us and makes all vegans look like elitist assholes.

And Mr. Vanessa has, to date, registered no complaints about the taste of Vanessa’s love honey.

This whole argument, however, makes one wonder whether vegans should be consuming any human bodily fluid in the first place though you wont hear me complaining.

Toy Review: The Eroscillator

Friends, lovers, playmates; in honor of May being Masturbation Month, I give you The Eroscillator.

**trumpet fanfare**

Let me start off by saying that its taken me six months to write this review. That’s not because I haven’t wanted to. Its because Ive been doing um extensive research. In the name of journalistic integrity, of course. In fact, the Eroscillator has been the most rigorously tested of any toy Ive reviewed.

Dr. Ruth has never endorsed another sensual aid, but she is the Eroscillator celebrity endorse-person. That got my attention. I had to try it. So, the Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo was my Xmas prezzie.

Admittedly, when I saw this puppy my first thought was, dayyumm, that’s one expensive vibrator! Are the reviews true? Could it really be worth it?

Oh yes. Every freakin penny. Read on.

First of all, the Eroscillator is NOT a vibrator. A vibrator vibrates. A vibrator feels nice for a while, but eventually makes my clit numb. When my clit is numb, well, I’m done for the night. I might not want to be done but, Goodnight, Irene. I. Am. Finished.

Smart Oscillating Engine. The Eroscillator uses sophisticated Swiss engineering to oscillate back and forth inside the housing for powerful but gentle stimulation. It doesn’t vibrate. It doesn’t make my clit numb. That’s a big deal. Huge. Limitless-Orgasms-Huge. And, the head moves inside the housing, so the housing stays put. I’m stimulating my punani, not my hand.

Multiple Power Settings. One critical distinction is that the speeds don’t increase the frequency of the movement they increase the intensity. That means every speed is enjoyable. I cant say that about something like the Hitachi Magic Wand. (Actually, the HMW is just a half-step down from a belt sander. Not clit-friendly.) The Eroscillators three speeds are powered by a 14v motor (step-down converted so its safer for you) and 12-feet of cord. Yes, you read that right. 12 feet. It will reach to the chandeliers. Hell, I can plug this baby in and take it halfway to Marks & Spencer. What I’m trying to say is that the cord doesn’t get in the way when were gettin our freak on.

Whisper Quiet. Yeah, it really is. We were pleasantly surprised. No distracting lawnmower buzzing during the intimate moments. My apologies if you have a lawnmower fetish.

Watertight. Can be washed under running water so you’re ready to go for next time. I wouldn’t take it in the bath, though. (That’s why God created the WaterPik Shower Massage.)

So, on to my experience. Right out of the box, I had one of the fastest, most intense orgasms of my life. It took about 90 seconds, tops. My lips (on my face) were literally quivering. This was a whole different level of orgasm. Like a higher plane of consciousness. Incredible. Then I just kept on going er coming. Actually, I didn’t know whether I was coming OR going. One after another after another. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to stop until I was spent. When it was over, I was but a whimper on a tangled heap of soaked sheets.

The next day, I threw my other vibrators out.

The Eroscillator comes in your choice of two versions and five packages. The Eroscillator 2 Plus packages come with some basic head attachments and a standard power appliance. The Top Deluxe model has extra power, for women like me who need a little boost, and more attachments. All attachments are available separately too. I was lucky enough to get the Ultimate Combo. Yep, I got the whole enchilada for my pink taco. Holy guacamole!!

My favorite attachment? The Ultra Soft Finger Tip (pictured below). Its a medical grade silicone elastomer just the right amount of squishiness to give a really lovely clit licking.

This is one toy that gets my unequivocal yes. Yes. GOD, YES!

If you own a clitoris, you simply must treat yourself. I cant stress this enough. If your partner has one, surprise her and make her decade. You wont regret it.

Oh, you can support this site by ordering it through my affiliate link below and Amazon will gimme some candy!

I’m hearing rumors about their companion product for men, the Ooh-la-la! Prostate Massager with the PowerPenis Bell. The Husband is interested in reviewing one, but I don’t know that the company is quite that generous.

I’m off to do some more research. If you play your cards right, youll get a taste before Masturbation Month is overstay tuned for a surprise or two.

And here’s to it always being May in your pants.

5 kinda cool things about living in England

  1. The mail service – Royal Mail (post it today, its there tomorrow)
  2. Cottage pie
  3. The age of consent is sixteen. Sixteen.
  4. Müller Rice – Vanilla Custard flavor. omigod.
  5. When you order tea with milk in a restaurant, the server will NOT return with either: a) a pitcher of half & half; b) a full glass of milk; c) packets of non-dairy creamer

Slogging Through The Summer Slush

Just a few headlines I found interesting today:

Thank You, Captain Obvious: Rock stars more likely to die prematurely

I was nowhere NEAR there, I swear! Crazy Fan Attacks Brad in Italy

And they said a little Shakespeare never hurt anyone: Three hurt as stray buffalo runs onto road

OMG i h8 u! u r sofa king unkewl! AT&T to let parents limit kids cell calls

If it were New York, theyd need the National Guard. But its London. So everyone just queued. Most of Londons subway shuts down

Unexpected Item In Bag: Man takes pry bar to self-check till Dude, I feel your pain