Talk To Vanessa

Yes, it’s on the arm of every A-list celebrity, the newest, hottest, gotta-have-one piece of arm candy ever.

What is it?

Its…

An Englishman.

Note the way an Englishman complements any wardrobe choice. He’s polite and well-mannered. Clean, well-groomed and unobtrusive. And he doesn’t ever make your ass look fat.

The Englishman is becoming the hottest thing to hit the red carpet this season, and due to all the publicity around Posh and Becks, it’s only gonna get hotter. Don’t wait - get yours before they’re all gone!

I got mine already.

He’s very sexy.

Funny, with a very quick wit.

Dependable.

Loyal.

And all mine, girls, so back off!

Yep, all mine.

The latest copy of W magazine has some of the most unbelievably sexy shots of David and Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh and Becks, to herald their move to Los Angeles.

I never gave D.B. a second glance before. But this shows just what a great photographer and many hours of Photoshop can do:

I’m pretty sure the LA Galaxy soccer team is behind a lot of the publicity. After all, they need to justify their investment. Plus, they need to make 99% of America aware that there is this sport in other countries where they kick around a little ball and aren’t allowed to use their hands.

Now, these shots just might make me want to care about American soccer. And make me want Becks to use his hands. A LOT.

In fact, I doubt I’ll be the only person watching with one hand on the remote control and the other on my dildo.

Yum. Does it get any sexier than this?

Oh hell yeah.

The most amazing shots are in what appears to be a very intimate boudoir setting.

Ooooohhhhhhhhh. **shudder**

D’ya think the rest of the Galaxy are gonna be giving him some serious ribbing over the pretty-boy shots? He can bet his tighty-whities on it.

I have no idea whether David Beckham can save American Football Soccer. I am pretty sure, however, that Beckham is totally unprepared for America. And America is unprepared for him. This should be fun to watch.

And I can’t wait to get my copy of W.

Well, you can learn quite a bit about England from just one day’s news. Here are a few tidbits I have learned today about the little place I’ve been calling home for the past nine months…

1. If a fire breaks out, tough. Suck it up, Nancy!
2. We got us some pervs. actually, these guys give pervs a bad name
3. We have a teeny drinking problem. d’oh!
4. We’re all gonna die in a horrible flood. again, d’oh!
5. We’re all gonna die in a massive suicide bombing. Did the knighthood committee really think that through?
6. If #4 & 5 don’t happen, stay out of the hospital. Those places will kill you.
7. The Druids need your vote.
8. London is Better Than Moscow. (but only just)
9. If the train doesn’t go where you’re going, they just make shit up.
10. The BBC is biased. Just ask the BBC.

Some days are harder than others to be away from home with no end in sight. At least I’m in a warm house in England and not in a tent in the desert with sand in my crack dodging IED’s.

Things I Miss About Seattle: (in no particular order)

1. Nordstrom
2. Mexican Food - there are a few Mexican restaurants in the UK, but they don’t serve any actual Mexican food. Compared to San Diego, Mexican food in Seattle sucks a big fat one. But, compared to England, Sea-Mex is one step away from freakin’ Ixtapa.
3. My Louis Vuitton Epi Noe - what idiot leaves that in storage?
4. 24/7 shopping (being able to get what I want, when I want it, especially on Sundays.)
5. Window Screens
6. Monique - brazilian waxtrix extraordinaire
7. The Mariners from prior to and including the 2001 season
8. Smoke-Free Everything
9. Tumble Dryers
10. My King Size Select Comfort Sleep Number Bed (Oy!)
11. Bar-B-Q - anyone coming to London who would like to stop at Dixie’s on the way to the airport will be richly rewarded - and yes, I need to meet “The Man.” But I’d settle for a bottle of Tony Roma’s Carolina Honey sauce.
12. Customer Service - a concept not yet adopted inside the United Kingdom
13. Anything in a American Handy Economy Size
14. Public Trash Receptacles
    
15. Driving - anywhere. Don’t say the word “roundabout” in my presence or I may hurt you. “Hey look kids, there’s Big Ben, and there’s Parliament. (repeat)”

Things I Don’t Miss About Seattle:

1. Rain - how can I miss it? I’m in freakin’ London
2. Talk Radio
3. Seafair - never did feel the love for hydro races
   
4. The Convergence Zone
   
5. Ferry Queues On A Holiday Weekend
6. Value Village
   
7. Freeway Off-Ramp Panhandlers
8. Experience Music Project - Exterior - bite me, Gehry, you sadistic asshole.
9. Dick’s - I know it’s heresy, but they just do NOT do it for me - take me to Red Mill or Fatburger
10. Blake Lewis
11. Any discussion about the Viaduct, Monorail, Light Rail, or the future of Boeing Field
12. The Mariners from 2002 to present
13. “..So Don’t Be Laaaate, Do The Puyallup”
    
14. Tim Eyman
15. Driving - during rush hour; while it’s raining; on 1/2 inch of snow; or behind anyone from B.C.

I know, I’ll be home soon enough. I’m just having a Bar-B-Q-less, Customer-Service-Impaired, Desperately-Seeking-Brazilian-Wax kind of day.

Speaking of tissues, here’s something we would never stock on shelves in the US…Kleenex For Men.

Here we have a full square foot of 3-ply softness for that big blow.

I mean really! Tissues for men? How sexist! They need their own tissues? Why on earth could men possibly need special tiss…

Oh.

Ah, imagine my disappointment when none of my registered cell phone numbers received a lucky text message last week. Vanessa was NOT selected to be one of those eligible to purchase tickets to the Live Earth concert at Wembley stadium this July.

I REALLY wanted to go.

I may or may not have had phone sex with one or more of the performers from this special event, but, sadly, this gets me nothing. <sniff>

Oh well.

The upshot of this is that I’m available that day…anyone have a ticket for Vanessa? C’mon, gimme some candy!

Do you really want to hear me beg?

(OK, maybe that was a dumb question…)

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I launched TalkToVanessa.com. Let’s see…where was I then and where am I now?

One Year Ago: Happily married but sexually uninspired, living in Seattle, with three dogs and a minivan.

Today: Happily married (to a different man), sexually invigorated, living in England, with a cat and an oyster card.

So…same old, same old…what’s new with YOU?

• Jul 10 : Sugasm #87
• Jul 9 : Love These Cuties
• Jul 8 : Closed Due To Flooding?
• Jul 4 : Sugasm #86
• Jun 30 : Haven’t We All Had Days Like This?