HNT - The Ribeye Incident

burnOK, so here is the aftermath:

Now, at first glance, it doesn’t seem like much…a teeny little mark on my right foot.

It’s not that bad, really. A little burn.

How did I get it? Now there’s the story.

All I wanted was a good steak. It had been a while since I had one, and I thought I would make one for myself. I carefully made all the necessary preparations. Got myself a ribeye steak. Not the best cut, granted, but beef here in the UK is freakin’ expensive.  Anyway, ribeye.  Tesco’s finest. Aged 27 days. Seasoned, lovely, ready for the grill.

At this point, you’re thinking “ah, grease splatter.” Nope. Read on.

Steak in broiler. Smells wonderful. Almost ready to turn over.

Then, BOOM.

The fucker exploded.

No, not the steak.

The OVEN.

Seriously. It blew the hell up. Rainshower of :scare: safety :scare2: glass over the kitchen. One piece actually melted the floor. One piece hit my foot, which resulted in the aforementioned burn.

Mr. Vanessa, vegan, did not fail to point out the irony.

Steak and oven are a total loss.

I’m grieving over the steak.

45113638_202b79dc11

Posted by vanessa on August 16th, 2007 .
Filed under: Random stuff, Pics of Me | 4 Comments »

The Gray-Blues

s003-4I think I’ve figured it out. I’m slowly becoming an albino.

Every month I stand in the same spot (in front of a large mirror with great lighting) and tweeze out a few of these really strange hairs from my head. These unusual hairs have completely lost their pigmentation and contrast markedly with my natural, (waist-length) dark brown locks.

Each month, there seems to be an ever larger number of these pigment-free hairs. I can only assume that I am a late-blooming (Type-II?) albino. Any day now, I expect my eyes to lose their deep coffee color as well.

There can be no other explanation, as I am still on the fun side of forty, thus, it is incomprehensible that these unusual findings would have any relation to age. I am at my sexual peak. I am a sex blogger. I am ageless.

I will begin to do research into becoming albinistic.

I imagine I will need to stay out of the sun, as the natural melanin in my formerly tan-friendly skin will diminish, and I shall become much more likely to burn.

I will most likely need to wear sunglasses, as I shall become photophobic.

I may join a support group, say the Albinism Fellowship (UK and Ireland) or NOAH (in the US).

I shall listen to Johnny and/or Edgar Winter in a show of solidarity.

This should be a fascinating case. I may even make it into JAMA.

I promise to keep you posted with any new developments as they unfold.

Posted by vanessa on August 15th, 2007 .
Filed under: Stuff I Wrote | 1 Comment »

Mmm. Slurp These Noodles, Baby!

I can be a bit technologically bipolar. When I buy a new gadget, I need to have the absolute cutting edge. But when it comes to popular trends in software, I tend to dig in my heels.

I’ve only just downloaded my very first RSS feed reader, the 30-day trial version of FeedDemon from Newsgator. So far, so good. It’s allowed me to catch up on all the wonderful blogs I [say I] read, as well as find a few new ones, and keep up with the news without having to search it out and visit all the websites I hate.

So I’m reading the feed for Forbes (yes, Vanessa does read more than sex blogs) and I find this.

The Chinese chapter of the International Ramen Manufacturers’ Association could be banned for allegedly manipulating the retail price of 95% of instant noodles on the market in the country.

topramenWe’re talking about pot noodles, the staple of every college dormitory and probable source of 90% of all dietary sodium consumed worldwide.

When something costs $0.12/package, it’s hard to imagine any sort of price-fixing, and it made me giggle. But I think what made me almost wet my pants was the idea of an International Ramen Manufacturers’ Association.

I couldn’t help myself. I had to google the IRMA. Here is their charter:

The purpose of the Association shall be to seek improvement in the quality of instant ramen products, to secure their continued supply, and to contribute to a healthy and varied diet for the people all over the world.
At the same time, the Association shall seek to develop the instant ramen manufacturing industry, improve its social status and cultivate fellowship among its members.

I am not making this up.

At this year’s 5th Annual World Ramen Summit the theme was “Happy World with Ramen!” with presentations on such topics as “National Trends in Instant Noodles Demands.”

They have even developed a codex for “The First Year Of Global Standard Ramen.”

oodlesofnoodlesTo their credit, they do supply hundreds of thousands of units of ramen noodles to disaster victims worldwide. “for the victims who were suffered from disasters such as typhoon, earthquake and tsunami.”

Not quite sure where the victims get the hot water, though. I’ll have to think that through…

Posted by vanessa on August 12th, 2007 .
Filed under: Funny Stuff | No Comments »

Fall’s Sexy Must-Have Accessory

Yes, it’s on the arm of every A-list celebrity, the newest, hottest, gotta-have-one piece of arm candy ever.

What is it?

Its…

An Englishman.

englishmen

Note the way an Englishman complements any wardrobe choice. He’s polite and well-mannered. Clean, well-groomed and unobtrusive. And he doesn’t ever make your ass look fat.

The Englishman is becoming the hottest thing to hit the red carpet this season, and due to all the publicity around Posh and Becks, it’s only gonna get hotter. Don’t wait - get yours before they’re all gone!

I got mine already.

He’s very sexy.

Funny, with a very quick wit.

Dependable.

Loyal.

And all mine, girls, so back off!

Yep, all mine.

Posted by vanessa on July 13th, 2007 .
Filed under: Random stuff | No Comments »

Haven’t We All Had Days Like This?

I don’t usually post things like this, but a certain friend-who-must-remain-nameless sent this to me and something about it just made me giggle for hours.

I hope it doesn’t offend anyone…oh, who am I kidding? I’m pretty sure you guys aren’t offended by much of anything.

image (4)

I’ve had bad hair days before, but…!

Posted by vanessa on June 30th, 2007 .
Filed under: Funny Stuff | No Comments »

This Day In England

Well, you can learn quite a bit about England from just one day’s news. Here are a few tidbits I have learned today about the little place I’ve been calling home for the past nine months…

  1. If a fire breaks out, tough. Suck it up, Nancy!
  2. We got us some pervs. actually, these guys give pervs a bad name
  3. We have a teeny drinking problem. d’oh!
  4. We’re all gonna die in a horrible flood. again, d’oh!
  5. We’re all gonna die in a massive suicide bombing. Did the knighthood committee really think that through?
  6. If #4 & 5 don’t happen, stay out of the hospital. Those places will kill you.
  7. The Druids need your vote.
  8. London is Better Than Moscow. (but only just)
  9. If the train doesn’t go where you’re going, they just make shit up.
  10. The BBC is biased. Just ask the BBC.

Posted by vanessa on June 18th, 2007 .
Filed under: Lists of Stuff, Stuff On My Mind | No Comments »

Sweet Home Alabama?

Here’s a case slipping through the…em…cracks.

Alabama Woman Takes Sex Toys Case To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON - The owner of adult stores in Alabama launched her final appeal Monday against a state ban on selling sex toys, asking the U.S. Supreme Court to throw out the law as an unconstitutional intrusion into the bedroom. -more-

Well, according to the statute, the products could be sold “if they have other recognized medical or therapeutic uses.”

So…  

Presenting the latest therapeutic devices direct from Babeland:

 

 

Pandora

The Pandora

Relieves discomfort due to itchy prostate or difficult boss.  Scratch that annoying itch with variable 7-speed motor.

flexi-felix

Flexi-Felix

Fast, gentle relief from constipation.  Recommend combined use with Sliquid Swirl Cherry Vanilla (see below) for maximum results.

sliquid

Sliquid Swirl Cherry Vanilla

All-purpose lubricant for any sticky situation.  Too many uses to list.  Try it for bikini-line chafing and preventing Jimmy Choo blisters.  In the yummy cherry vanilla flavor.  In case any should spill on your tongue.

 

serpent's tail

Serpent’s Tail

Electric Ear Cleaner uses ultra-sonic waves to gently and permanently remove ear wax.  No more annoying cotton swabs!

 

kitty clamps

Kitty Clamps

Stop those bras straps from peeking out under your shirt once and for all.  As an added bonus, the mild vibration eases tension from shoulder muscles.  Perfect for that stressful commute!

 

the pump

Pump and Cylinder Kit

Carpal-tunnel therapy at your fingertips.  Increase circulation to fingers and toes.  Can also be used to relieve sinus congestion, or in very severe cases, constipation if the Flexi-Felix fails to produce satisfactory results.

 

Sorted.  Next problem?

Posted by vanessa on May 18th, 2007 .
Filed under: Funny Stuff, Random stuff | 1 Comment »

More in journal

About Vanessa...

Vanessa is a genus of butterflies. Common names are American Lady (Vanessa virginiensis), West Coast Lady (Vanessa annabella) and Painted Lady (Vanessa cardui).

I'm Vanessa. I'm always a Lady. Talk to me....

vanessa@talktovanessa.com

...and then YOU said...

  • Curvaceous Dee: Being happy is a hell of a lot more important than writing to keep us happy. I am so pleased for you!...
  • Pog: Hey Vanessa, Your husband is a very lucky man indeed. Take care, Pog.
  • havingmycake: Very worrying time for you both. Hope there is a good outcome.
  • Curvaceous Dee: *applauds* Oh, I am so pleased! It’s such a rare and special thing, and you well deserve it....
  • lapis ruber: That sounds a really nasty event. Glad you weren’t more seriously injured. Happy belated HNT.