Closed Due To Flooding?

toowet How wet is too wet? Yes, we’ve been having lots of flooding here in the UK this month, but my topic today is about a more personal kind of wetness.

I am about to confess a small personal issue. One that many women, menopausal and otherwise, might actually envy.

I get wet. Specifically, I have a very juicy punani. In fact, I might admit to getting a bit too wet.

Too wet, you say? How can anyone possibly be too wet?

Well, too wet means slippery. Really slippery. And slippery-ness reduces friction. Friction is necessary for my partner to…well…experience complete enjoyment. In fact, for the better part of 10 years or more, I’ve been ejaculated ON far more than IN. (So much so that at times I felt like I was stuck in an endless “money-shot” loop.) I didn’t really consider it a problem until I realized that if I ever wanted to get pregnant it might present some difficulty if I never got any semen planted in my hoo-hoo.

It’s not a size thing. I actually have a very tight pussy. Two-fingers tight. (No children and infrequent sex for years = tight). And as for the men - well, I mean, I haven’t ever fucked a zucchini (unlike a woman I watched on webcam once), but my partners have been more than adequate.

I can’t believe I’m the only woman out there with this particular biology. I’m not really sure what to do about it. Most women searching for help are looking for the opposite - something to increase their natural moisture.

So…seriously, what do I do?

Posted by vanessa on July 8th, 2007 .
Filed under: Stuff On My Mind | 5 Comments »

Toy Review: The Eroscillator

Friends, lovers, playmates; in honor of May being Masturbation Month, I give you The Eroscillator.

**trumpet fanfare**

ooohhhhLet me start off by saying that it’s taken me six months to write this review. That’s not because I haven’t wanted to. It’s because I’ve been doing…um…extensive research. In the name of journalistic integrity, of course. In fact, the Eroscillator has been the most rigorously tested of any toy I’ve reviewed.

Dr. Ruth has never endorsed another sensual aid, but she is the Eroscillator celebrity endorse-person. That got my attention. I had to try it. So, the Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo was my Xmas prezzie.

Admittedly, when I saw this puppy my first thought was, dayyumm, that’s one expensive vibrator! Are the reviews true? Could it really be worth it?

Oh yes. Every freakin’ penny. Read on.

First of all, the Eroscillator is NOT a vibrator. A vibrator vibrates. A vibrator feels nice for a while, but eventually makes my clit numb. When my clit is numb, well, I’m done for the night. I might not want to be done but, Goodnight, Irene. I. Am. Finished.

Smart Oscillating Engine. The Eroscillator uses sophisticated Swiss engineering to oscillate back and forth inside the housing for powerful but gentle stimulation. It doesn’t vibrate. It doesn’t make my clit numb. That’s a big deal. Huge. Limitless-Orgasms-Huge. And, the head moves inside the housing, so the housing stays put. I’m stimulating my punani, not my hand.

Multiple Power Settings. One critical distinction is that the speeds don’t increase the frequency of the movement…they increase the intensity. That means every speed is enjoyable. I can’t say that about something like the Hitachi Magic Wand. (Actually, the HMW is just a half-step down from a belt sander. Not clit-friendly.) The Eroscillator’s three speeds are powered by a 14v motor (step-down converted so it’s safer for you) and 12-feet of cord. Yes, you read that right. 12 feet. It will reach to the chandeliers. Hell, I can plug this baby in and take it halfway to Marks & Spencer. What I’m trying to say is that the cord doesn’t get in the way when we’re gettin’ our freak on.

Whisper Quiet. Yeah, it really is. We were pleasantly surprised. No distracting lawnmower buzzing during the intimate moments. My apologies if you have a lawnmower fetish.

Watertight. Can be washed under running water so you’re ready to go for next time. I wouldn’t take it in the bath, though. (That’s why God created the WaterPik Shower MassageWaterpik Shower Massage.)

So, on to my experience. Right out of the box, I had one of the fastest, most intense orgasms of my life. It took about 90 seconds, tops. My lips (on my face) were literally quivering. This was a whole different level of orgasm. Like a higher plane of consciousness. Incredible. Then I just kept on going…er…coming. Actually, I didn’t know whether I was coming OR going. One after another after another. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to stop until I was spent. When it was over, I was but a whimper on a tangled heap of soaked sheets.

The next day, I threw my other vibrators out.

The Eroscillator comes in your choice of two versions and five packages. The Eroscillator 2 Plus packages come with some basic head attachments and a standard power appliance. The Top Deluxe model has extra power, for women like me who need a little boost, and more attachments. All attachments are available separately too. I was lucky enough to get the Ultimate Combo. Yep, I got the whole enchilada for my pink taco. Holy guacamole!!

My favorite attachment? The Ultra Soft Finger Tip (pictured below). It’s a medical grade silicone elastomer…just the right amount of squishiness to give a really lovely clit licking.

This is one toy that gets my unequivocal yes. Yes. GOD, YES!

Rating: ★★★★★+

If you own a clitoris, you simply must treat yourself. I can’t stress this enough. If your partner has one, surprise her and make her decade. You won’t regret it.

Oh, you can support this site by ordering it through my affiliate link below and Amazon will gimme some candy!

I’m hearing rumors about their companion product for men, the Ooh-la-la! Prostate Massager with the PowerPenis Bell. The Husband is interested in reviewing one, but I don’t know that the company is quite that generous.

I’m off to do some more…research. If you play your cards right, you’ll get a taste before Masturbation Month is over…stay tuned for a surprise or two.

And here’s to it always being May in your pants.

Posted by vanessa on May 9th, 2007 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff, Stuff I Wrote | 6 Comments »

My First Taste

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I see her name pop up on IM and feel myself start to moisten. She’s young…barely half my age. Pretty, in an athletic, angular way. Sexy as hell. Best part, she thinks I’m beautiful.

She wants to meet. So do I. God, do I. I already have the blessing from my partner. (Eager, salivating, envious blessings.) I have yet to give permission to myself, though. It’s still something so foreign to me. What do I do? I imagine I would just do to her what I think would feel good to me - but is that good enough?

I imagine the taste of her nipples more than anything. I guess that makes me a tit-woman. There’s something about the roundness, the firm swelling, not much more than a handful…and the perkiness, the way they stand perfectly at attention, some 18 years younger than my own, not yet dropped with the weight of the years.

Her firm, flat belly makes me jealous. I want to lick it. Every inch. And that place just outside her breast, under her arm…that soft place that sees so little attention…I want to explore it. I love being stroked there. Will she?

Her pussy is shaved, like mine. I think I will prefer that. To be able to see her sex; pink, ripe, budding open–all mine to enjoy if only for a short while. I wonder, will she smell like me? Taste like me? Will she like how I taste? Do I taste OK? Damn.

It’s like being a virgin all over again. Nothing I had read in the naughty books really prepared me for the fumbling, painful, embarrassing, ordinary reality then. Ordinary. Not extraordinary. But extraordinary is what I desire now. My standards are high, yes. But so much hinges on that first experience. If I don’t enjoy it the first time, I might assume I never will. And, if she doesn’t enjoy it, I may be too scared to try again. Jeez, it must be hell to be a man. I can’t take the pressure, and I don’t even have an erection to keep track of.

I’m scared as hell. And I can’t wait.

Posted by vanessa on October 12th, 2006 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff, Stuff I Wrote, Stuff On My Mind | 7 Comments »

The Last Word On Brazilian Waxing

So, I realized why I got such an awesome brazilian wax last time here in the U.S. of A. Instead of beeswax and strips, my waxer used a ‘hard’ wax called Cirepil. (Note: You men might want to skip the rest of this post unless you’re investigating waxing techniques for yourself or your partner - and yes, they DO give brazilians to men.)

Cirepil is an extremely high-grade French wax with polymer in it that effectively "shrink wraps" the hairs without sticking to the skin. It gets the root on every single hair, rather than breaking many of them off just below the surface, as can happen with regular wax. That meant that the hairs also took much longer to grow back in. Cirepil is used at a much lower temperature than regular wax, which can be very hot!!

My waxing experience was quite comfortable and the Cirepil was extremely effective. I am officially hooked! Now I just need to find a salon that uses Cirepil in or around Hertfordshire…

Posted by vanessa on September 14th, 2006 .
Filed under: Random stuff | 3 Comments »

Toy Review - Happy Kitty Personal Massager

After reading Regina Lynn’s review of this new “playful personal massager” in Wired Magazine , I had to have one. The Happy Kitty is touted as an innovation in vibrators. The motion, called ‘FloVibe,’ is a push-pull motion that is supposed to feel more like oral sex than a traditional vibrator. At $99.99, it was the most expensive vibrator I’ve ever purchased, but seemed worth it if it was even half as good as it claimed to be. Besides, the manufacturer only made an initial run of 2000, and dammit, one had my name on it! As it turned out, the one with my name on it was defective. Story of my life. But, after contacting the manufacturer, I received a replacement unit with little delay.

I could hardly wait to tear the package open when it arrived, which turned out to be easier than expected, as the whole works definitely looked and felt like prototype packaging. Eh, no biggie. Good things can come in crappy packaging…though…in this case…not so much.

Here’s what their website claims:

Happy Kitty is a revolutionary new kind of vibrating massager. Instead of using traditional high frequency vibrations, it uses more natural slower motions to stimulate your most sensitive parts without the over stimulation and numbing caused my traditional vibrating massagers.

It features 15 speed levels and 3 different patterns of motion to give you the freedom to find what works best for you.

The Happy Kitty uses four AAA alkaline batteries, and is water resistant for use in the shower or bath and to allow for easy cleaning.

Each Happy Kitty includes the following:

* Happy Kitty Playful Personal Massager
* Four AAA alkaline batteries
* Three Cleaning Wipes
* Travel Bag
* Instruction Manual

Once I got the critter working, and lubed up as recommended, it was time to put ‘er into action. I will say that the motion of the Happy Kitty is dramatically different than the typical side-to-side motion of a vibrator. It’s more of a flicking or pumping sensation.

It requires that the object being flicked (read: my clit) be inserted into the silicone cup. The silicone cup inflates and deflates to create some suction, which is why they recommend a water-based lube, and that suction is presumably supposed to feel like a set of lips surrounding and sucking on my clit. Mostly, it felt like I was jamming a silicone cup forcefully into my pussy, which I was.

Apparently, the manufacturer used a clit-model with a very large and protruding clitoris, because I had to really jam that puppy (oops, I mean kitty) down hard in order to activate/feel the motion. I tried various positions, really I did! Either I have the tiniest clit in the world, or there needs to be a major redesign of the silicone part. Even on maximum speed, I just couldn’t get enough stimulation down there to raise an eyebrow. Sigh.

Sorry, Happy Kitty, you didn’t make Vanessa’s kitty happy.

Rating: ★½☆☆☆


icon for podpress  Happy Kitty in Action [1:35m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Posted by vanessa on September 5th, 2006 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff | No Comments »

Assignation

(For Ed, who opened my ears to the power of voice….)

I’ve never seen a hotel corridor this long before. It seems as though it’s a hundred miles long, and it keeps getting longer with each step. We agreed to use the nicest hotel we could find because I couldn’t imagine this happening at a cheap, seamy place. We can’t meet in the hotel bar or a restaurant; I can’t risk being seen. What am I doing here?

There is very little in my evening bag - just my own hotel key, a lipstick, my wedding ring (hastily removed in the elevator), and…condoms. I’ve never had to buy condoms before. Standing in the store this morning, I was overwhelmed by myriad colors and textures and sizes. Sizes? Oh God.

OK, time for a mental inventory. Brand-new lacy silk bra and panties? Check. Impossibly high heels that are killing my feet but make my legs and bum look unbelievable? Check. Confidence and self-respect? Umm…well…damn.

More »

Posted by vanessa on May 26th, 2006 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff, Stuff I Wrote | 2 Comments »

More in journal

About Vanessa...

Vanessa is a genus of butterflies. Common names are American Lady (Vanessa virginiensis), West Coast Lady (Vanessa annabella) and Painted Lady (Vanessa cardui).

I'm Vanessa. I'm always a Lady. Talk to me....

vanessa@talktovanessa.com

...and then YOU said...

  • Curvaceous Dee: Being happy is a hell of a lot more important than writing to keep us happy. I am so pleased for you!...
  • Pog: Hey Vanessa, Your husband is a very lucky man indeed. Take care, Pog.
  • havingmycake: Very worrying time for you both. Hope there is a good outcome.
  • Curvaceous Dee: *applauds* Oh, I am so pleased! It’s such a rare and special thing, and you well deserve it....
  • lapis ruber: That sounds a really nasty event. Glad you weren’t more seriously injured. Happy belated HNT.