Sweet Home Alabama?

Here’s a case slipping through the…em…cracks.

Alabama Woman Takes Sex Toys Case To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON - The owner of adult stores in Alabama launched her final appeal Monday against a state ban on selling sex toys, asking the U.S. Supreme Court to throw out the law as an unconstitutional intrusion into the bedroom. -more-

Well, according to the statute, the products could be sold “if they have other recognized medical or therapeutic uses.”

So…  

Presenting the latest therapeutic devices direct from Babeland:

 

 

Pandora

The Pandora

Relieves discomfort due to itchy prostate or difficult boss.  Scratch that annoying itch with variable 7-speed motor.

flexi-felix

Flexi-Felix

Fast, gentle relief from constipation.  Recommend combined use with Sliquid Swirl Cherry Vanilla (see below) for maximum results.

sliquid

Sliquid Swirl Cherry Vanilla

All-purpose lubricant for any sticky situation.  Too many uses to list.  Try it for bikini-line chafing and preventing Jimmy Choo blisters.  In the yummy cherry vanilla flavor.  In case any should spill on your tongue.

 

serpent's tail

Serpent’s Tail

Electric Ear Cleaner uses ultra-sonic waves to gently and permanently remove ear wax.  No more annoying cotton swabs!

 

kitty clamps

Kitty Clamps

Stop those bras straps from peeking out under your shirt once and for all.  As an added bonus, the mild vibration eases tension from shoulder muscles.  Perfect for that stressful commute!

 

the pump

Pump and Cylinder Kit

Carpal-tunnel therapy at your fingertips.  Increase circulation to fingers and toes.  Can also be used to relieve sinus congestion, or in very severe cases, constipation if the Flexi-Felix fails to produce satisfactory results.

 

Sorted.  Next problem?

Posted by vanessa on May 18th, 2007 .
Filed under: Funny Stuff, Random stuff | 1 Comment »

Toy Review: The Eroscillator

Friends, lovers, playmates; in honor of May being Masturbation Month, I give you The Eroscillator.

**trumpet fanfare**

ooohhhhLet me start off by saying that it’s taken me six months to write this review. That’s not because I haven’t wanted to. It’s because I’ve been doing…um…extensive research. In the name of journalistic integrity, of course. In fact, the Eroscillator has been the most rigorously tested of any toy I’ve reviewed.

Dr. Ruth has never endorsed another sensual aid, but she is the Eroscillator celebrity endorse-person. That got my attention. I had to try it. So, the Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo was my Xmas prezzie.

Admittedly, when I saw this puppy my first thought was, dayyumm, that’s one expensive vibrator! Are the reviews true? Could it really be worth it?

Oh yes. Every freakin’ penny. Read on.

First of all, the Eroscillator is NOT a vibrator. A vibrator vibrates. A vibrator feels nice for a while, but eventually makes my clit numb. When my clit is numb, well, I’m done for the night. I might not want to be done but, Goodnight, Irene. I. Am. Finished.

Smart Oscillating Engine. The Eroscillator uses sophisticated Swiss engineering to oscillate back and forth inside the housing for powerful but gentle stimulation. It doesn’t vibrate. It doesn’t make my clit numb. That’s a big deal. Huge. Limitless-Orgasms-Huge. And, the head moves inside the housing, so the housing stays put. I’m stimulating my punani, not my hand.

Multiple Power Settings. One critical distinction is that the speeds don’t increase the frequency of the movement…they increase the intensity. That means every speed is enjoyable. I can’t say that about something like the Hitachi Magic Wand. (Actually, the HMW is just a half-step down from a belt sander. Not clit-friendly.) The Eroscillator’s three speeds are powered by a 14v motor (step-down converted so it’s safer for you) and 12-feet of cord. Yes, you read that right. 12 feet. It will reach to the chandeliers. Hell, I can plug this baby in and take it halfway to Marks & Spencer. What I’m trying to say is that the cord doesn’t get in the way when we’re gettin’ our freak on.

Whisper Quiet. Yeah, it really is. We were pleasantly surprised. No distracting lawnmower buzzing during the intimate moments. My apologies if you have a lawnmower fetish.

Watertight. Can be washed under running water so you’re ready to go for next time. I wouldn’t take it in the bath, though. (That’s why God created the WaterPik Shower MassageWaterpik Shower Massage.)

So, on to my experience. Right out of the box, I had one of the fastest, most intense orgasms of my life. It took about 90 seconds, tops. My lips (on my face) were literally quivering. This was a whole different level of orgasm. Like a higher plane of consciousness. Incredible. Then I just kept on going…er…coming. Actually, I didn’t know whether I was coming OR going. One after another after another. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to stop until I was spent. When it was over, I was but a whimper on a tangled heap of soaked sheets.

The next day, I threw my other vibrators out.

The Eroscillator comes in your choice of two versions and five packages. The Eroscillator 2 Plus packages come with some basic head attachments and a standard power appliance. The Top Deluxe model has extra power, for women like me who need a little boost, and more attachments. All attachments are available separately too. I was lucky enough to get the Ultimate Combo. Yep, I got the whole enchilada for my pink taco. Holy guacamole!!

My favorite attachment? The Ultra Soft Finger Tip (pictured below). It’s a medical grade silicone elastomer…just the right amount of squishiness to give a really lovely clit licking.

This is one toy that gets my unequivocal yes. Yes. GOD, YES!

Rating: ★★★★★+

If you own a clitoris, you simply must treat yourself. I can’t stress this enough. If your partner has one, surprise her and make her decade. You won’t regret it.

Oh, you can support this site by ordering it through my affiliate link below and Amazon will gimme some candy!

I’m hearing rumors about their companion product for men, the Ooh-la-la! Prostate Massager with the PowerPenis Bell. The Husband is interested in reviewing one, but I don’t know that the company is quite that generous.

I’m off to do some more…research. If you play your cards right, you’ll get a taste before Masturbation Month is over…stay tuned for a surprise or two.

And here’s to it always being May in your pants.

Posted by vanessa on May 9th, 2007 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff, Stuff I Wrote | 6 Comments »

Toy Review: Natural Contours Liberte Vibrator

Natural Contours Liberte I was sent the Natural Contours Liberte Vibrator from BetterSex.com to review. I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, after all, it was free.

If I were using this as a dildo, I would give it a great review. In fact, I might just try it as a it makes an excellent G-spot stimulator. It’s very smooth and comfortable to hold in the hand. As a clitoral stimulator, however, it is sorely lacking.

First, it doesn’t have nearly enough power to get me off, since it only runs on 2 AA batteries (included). You guys know I’m a plug-in girl, but some battery-operated vibes have been known to pleasure me - I always give them the benefit of the doubt until they let me down. Lady “Liberte” didn’t really let me down - she let my clit down.

The controls are fiddly, too. Basically, it has just a single toggle button. The button runs through the speeds in the wrong direction. The first speed is the highest speed. If you want to change speeds, you must go through all the speeds, High>Med>Low>High Pulse>Off (!?) - to select which you want. I would prefer the speed to increase with the push of a button, not decrease, and I would REALLY prefer to be able to adjust it up or down without turning it off, for chrissakes. Talk about a mood killer!

I haven’t tried any other products in this line. I would go with a product in the same line provided it had more power and a better designed control.

G-spot stimulator Rating: ★★★½☆,

Clitoral stimulator Rating: ★★½☆☆

Posted by vanessa on April 15th, 2007 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff | No Comments »

The Vibe Is Dead, Long Live The Vibe!!

The Explorer

We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of “The Xplorer,” a true and faithful friend. R.I.P. Sigh.

I’ve joked about it, but in 20 years I’ve never actually “worn out” an electric vibrator. I’ve replaced them because they were kinda funky old, but never because the inner workings were fried.

My man took it apart to see if there was any way it could be repaired. Not a chance. He was impressed, however, by it’s mechanical simplicity. Solid-state, clean lines, no moving parts…but…dead nonetheless.Resting In PiecesD.E.A.D.

Batteries stand no chance against my multi-orgasmic self, but since I’m in the UK for a while I’m having difficulty finding a “mains-powered” replacement. My Hitachi Magic Wand, which I affectionately call “Henry,” is a bit too intense for me. I also left it back in the US, and a UK replacement is prohibitively expensive. Well, let’s face it, everything is prohibitively expensive in the UK.

The Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo is on my wish list…but, once again, it will cost literally half as much if I wait to get it once I return to the US. Yesterday, my electrical geek sweetie came up with an interesting alternative…an AC conversion for my iVibe Rabbit.

At first I was skeptical, and nervous, because I didn’t want to lose the only other appliance I brought with me. However, I was also going through 4 AA batteries per session, and I couldn’t afford to do that for much longer. Rechargables? Fuhgeddaboutit.

He used materials he had on hand, so it isn’t pretty, but it works. It actually works. Of course, it is no longer something I would take into the shower with me for safety’s sake, but because he sealed the connection with epoxy resin it is, technically, waterproof. The transformer/converter unit is temporary, because it is hideously large, but the cord is long enough that I can place it on the floor so it’s out of the way. The device is also much lighter without the weight of the batteries inside. Here is his photo of the beastie:
It's Aliiiiiiive!!!

Fortunately, this will only have to last me until we get back to the US - because it’s not like I can phone a friend in the states and have them ship me an Eroscillator. I could just imagine that conversation.

Hopefully, though, Doc Johnson or some other rabbit manufacturer will realize that there is a noticeable gap in the market for an electrical-powered rabbit vibrator. Soon. Please? Anyone? Buehler?

Posted by vanessa on October 16th, 2006 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff | 3 Comments »

Toy Review - Happy Kitty Personal Massager

After reading Regina Lynn’s review of this new “playful personal massager” in Wired Magazine , I had to have one. The Happy Kitty is touted as an innovation in vibrators. The motion, called ‘FloVibe,’ is a push-pull motion that is supposed to feel more like oral sex than a traditional vibrator. At $99.99, it was the most expensive vibrator I’ve ever purchased, but seemed worth it if it was even half as good as it claimed to be. Besides, the manufacturer only made an initial run of 2000, and dammit, one had my name on it! As it turned out, the one with my name on it was defective. Story of my life. But, after contacting the manufacturer, I received a replacement unit with little delay.

I could hardly wait to tear the package open when it arrived, which turned out to be easier than expected, as the whole works definitely looked and felt like prototype packaging. Eh, no biggie. Good things can come in crappy packaging…though…in this case…not so much.

Here’s what their website claims:

Happy Kitty is a revolutionary new kind of vibrating massager. Instead of using traditional high frequency vibrations, it uses more natural slower motions to stimulate your most sensitive parts without the over stimulation and numbing caused my traditional vibrating massagers.

It features 15 speed levels and 3 different patterns of motion to give you the freedom to find what works best for you.

The Happy Kitty uses four AAA alkaline batteries, and is water resistant for use in the shower or bath and to allow for easy cleaning.

Each Happy Kitty includes the following:

* Happy Kitty Playful Personal Massager
* Four AAA alkaline batteries
* Three Cleaning Wipes
* Travel Bag
* Instruction Manual

Once I got the critter working, and lubed up as recommended, it was time to put ‘er into action. I will say that the motion of the Happy Kitty is dramatically different than the typical side-to-side motion of a vibrator. It’s more of a flicking or pumping sensation.

It requires that the object being flicked (read: my clit) be inserted into the silicone cup. The silicone cup inflates and deflates to create some suction, which is why they recommend a water-based lube, and that suction is presumably supposed to feel like a set of lips surrounding and sucking on my clit. Mostly, it felt like I was jamming a silicone cup forcefully into my pussy, which I was.

Apparently, the manufacturer used a clit-model with a very large and protruding clitoris, because I had to really jam that puppy (oops, I mean kitty) down hard in order to activate/feel the motion. I tried various positions, really I did! Either I have the tiniest clit in the world, or there needs to be a major redesign of the silicone part. Even on maximum speed, I just couldn’t get enough stimulation down there to raise an eyebrow. Sigh.

Sorry, Happy Kitty, you didn’t make Vanessa’s kitty happy.

Rating: ★½☆☆☆


icon for podpress  Happy Kitty in Action [1:35m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Posted by vanessa on September 5th, 2006 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff | No Comments »

“The earth moved. The angels wept…

…and the Polaroids…are…uh…are in my other coat” *

After several false starts, I recently had the opportunity to bond with my iVibe Rabbit. I was originally disappointed when, after shelling out close to $100 for a vibrator, I was surprised to find that it didn’t seem to fit quite right…something about the placement of the rabbit ‘ears’ when it was fully inserted. Not exactly one-size-fits-all.

iVibe RabbitWell, this evening I revised my opinion. Very quickly. Four times.

The new, improved iVibe Rabbit by Doc Johnson is now waterproof, with a rotating pearl-filled shaft, and vibrating clitoral “bunny ears.” The four AA batteries gave me more than enough power (yes, I’m usually a plug-in girl). The combination of vibrating clit stimulation and shaft rotation for my g-spot sent me absolutely over the edge. Rating: ★★★★☆

A similar product, the Internet-enabled Rabbit, can be controlled by a partner anywhere in the world, from any PC…which is a very cool idea, except that you have to control it through the High Joy adult dating site. The toy comes with a free 30-day membership, but after that, I’m guessing there is a charge. Sad, because I know my friends on Passion.com / AdultFriendFinder.com would love to be able to control my toys while I’m talking with them online. Teledildonics still has a way to go before it’s totally user-friendly, but, it’s just on the horizon.

Until then, I’m keeping the Rabbit stocked with fresh batteries.

* p.s. - extra credit if you can name that quote and the person who said it…

Posted by vanessa on June 3rd, 2006 .
Filed under: Sexy Stuff, Random stuff | 3 Comments »

More in journal

About Vanessa...

Vanessa is a genus of butterflies. Common names are American Lady (Vanessa virginiensis), West Coast Lady (Vanessa annabella) and Painted Lady (Vanessa cardui).

I'm Vanessa. I'm always a Lady. Talk to me....

vanessa@talktovanessa.com

...and then YOU said...

  • Curvaceous Dee: Being happy is a hell of a lot more important than writing to keep us happy. I am so pleased for you!...
  • Pog: Hey Vanessa, Your husband is a very lucky man indeed. Take care, Pog.
  • havingmycake: Very worrying time for you both. Hope there is a good outcome.
  • Curvaceous Dee: *applauds* Oh, I am so pleased! It’s such a rare and special thing, and you well deserve it....
  • lapis ruber: That sounds a really nasty event. Glad you weren’t more seriously injured. Happy belated HNT.